Lifetime achievement awards

This week I am commuting back and forth each day from Indianapolis to Louisville. It’s about 120 miles each way. I used to stay overnight but decided about six months ago to drive each day. There are a few reasons why I do so. First, I make more money on my expenses by driving than by staying overnight. At the same time it doesn’t cost my company any more money. Secondly, I tend to be claustrophobic in motel rooms…once about six years ago I woke up in a cold sweat while on the road and spent the night literally pacing the room. Most importantly though is I have grown to treasure the time I have alone with my thoughts. I used to study hypnosis back in the 1970’s when I was searching for alternatives to reality that wouldn’t get me arrested. There are times when I will notice it is mile marker 77 on I-65 and get lost in my thoughts and the next thing I know I am at mile marker 45 with no idea of how I got there. It’s just like hypnosis.

Today as I drove down I started thinking about events and occasions in my life and have decided to start giving out my own awards for noteworthy achievements. These are lifetime awards based on my 62 years on the planet. I am the sole judge.

MOST AWESOME ACHIEVEMENT IN MY LIFE (NON-SPORTS DIVISION):
The first moon landing in July, 1969. The idea that three men in a container not much bigger than my car could break Earth’s gravity, travel to a distant planet, and land on it still seems like science fiction to me.

The fall of the Berlin Wall comes in second.

MOST AWESOME ACHIEVEMENT IN MY LIFE (SPORTS DIVISION):
Secretariat’s Belmont Stakes victory in 1973. He set a record for a mile and a quarter when he won the Kentucky Derby (a record which still stands). In the Belmont he set a new world record for a mile and a half, beating the previous record by two and three/fifths seconds. What is truly amazing is that he went faster through the first mile and a quarter than he did when he set the record in the Derby. Each fifth of a second is considered a length. That means he would have beaten the previous world record holder by 13 lengths . Most amazing, he was going so fast that he also unofficially broke the world record for a mile and five/eighths, even though he was being eased up the last eighth. Nobody has come within two seconds of his record to this date.

Second would be Bob Beamon’s world record long jump in the 1968 Olympics. Though awesome, it was accomplished at the altitude of Mexico City, which does tarnish it just a little.

I wasn’t alive to see them, but Jesse Owens’ setting three world records at the Big Ten track meet within a span of one hour, and Babe Didrikson winning the women’s NCAA track championship for TCU, as the only member of the team, would no doubt have been something to see.

MOST GRACIOUS CELEBRITY I EVER MET:
Arnold Palmer. I was in a restaurant in Minneapolis about twenty years ago when Arnold Palmer and his wife came in to dine. I watched as person after person came up to him and got his autograph. I am not a fan of golf but I had a neighbor who was a big fan. I went up to Mr. Palmer and apologized for being just another in a long line of people interrupting his dinner. He smiled and thanked me, saying it was no problem because without the fans he wouldn’t be anything. On his way out he must have spent thirty minutes posing with customers who wanted their picture taken with him.

LEAST GRACIOUS CELEBRITY I EVER MET:
Edie Gorme. Not even close. For those of you too young to remember, Edie Gorme and Steve Lawrence were modestly successful singers who each had one major hit in the 1960’s. His hit was “Go Away, Little Girl”. Her hit was “Blame It on the Bossa Nova”. They were more famous as Frank Sinatra’s personal ass kissers. Anyway, one summer while I was doing my college job of delivering diapers I had them on my route. Many wealthy NYer’s go “to the country”, about 40 miles outside the city, during the summer. When I first called on them Edie told me that if I took good care of them she would “take care of me” at the end of the summer. Anticipating a big tip, I practically polished those diapers every week before delivering them. At the end of the summer I got my big reward. The bitch gave me an autographed picture of herself! I tore it up before I was even out of their driveway.

Second place would go to Buddy Hackett, the comedian. When I was fourteen a friend of mine convinced me to caddy with him one Saturday at Winged Foot golf club, a prestigious club in Scarsdale, NY. I knew nothing about golf, including how hard it is to carry clubs for eighteen holes. I was chosen by the illustrious Mr. Hackett as his caddy. I did not realize that he was not a nice man. By the end of the round I thought my name had been changed to “you fuckin’ kid”.

There are more awards to be handed out, but my lunch hour and I need to get back to work. Unless they give out “best slacker” awards.